My Rock, My Pebble, and Me: A Story of Love, Support, and Healing from C-PTSD
C-PTSD: When the Battle Continues Within
Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a mental health condition that can develop after prolonged exposure to traumatic events. For me, those events were the harrowing experiences I faced while serving in the RAF Police and investigating criminal pornography cases. The images and stories I encountered left deep scars on my psyche, leading to a constant battle with anxiety, depression, and emotional flashbacks.
One of the most important factors in my ongoing journey with C-PTSD has been the unwavering support of my inner circle, or as my therapist and I call it “My Bubble”. My wife, Colleen, has been “My Rock”, a constant source of strength and comfort. She has patiently listened to my struggles, held me during my darkest moments, and celebrated my victories, no matter how small. She has seen me at my very best in the time before and at my very worst many times since my battle started. Her love and understanding have been a lifeline, reminding me that I am not alone in this fight and that no matter my feelings about humanity, there are good people amongst the evil.
And then there's Leffe, our French Bulldog, who has become “My Pebble” because when Colleen isn’t here, it becomes his job to support me. His playful antics and unconditional love bring joy to even the toughest days; no matter how I am feeling, he will bring a smile to my face. He's a constant reminder to be present in the moment, to find happiness in the simple things, and to never give up hope. I was never a pet person growing up; I think I had a goldfish for a few weeks, but I am not sure.
Colleen was as surprised as I was when, during the period I was being diagnosed, I mentioned I had always liked Frenchies, then began the search for a legend, and Colleen did not disappoint; from the moment I set eyes on him, there was a bond I could not explain with words. Leffe is not an official therapy dog, but he knows when I am approaching a crisis or being triggered, he will just come to me and sit with me or put a paw on me, and that is normally enough to ground me back in reality. Just as my wife has, I truly believe he has saved my life on occasion.
Having a strong support system is crucial for anyone battling C-PTSD. It provides a sense of safety, belonging, and hope, which are essential for recovery and, some days, just getting out of bed. Here are some reasons why having support is so important:
Validation and Understanding
People who believe in you and understand your struggles can make a world of difference. It helps to know that you're not alone and that your experiences are valid. Thanks to the amazing people at The Not Forgotten Association, I have received this not only from Colleen but also many times over the years.Emotional Support
C-PTSD can be an emotional rollercoaster, not the good kind though. Having people to lean on during difficult times can provide comfort and stability, I have lost lots of friends and indeed family over the years because they were unable to understand that the version of me they once knew had died, I have grieved his loss but they see the mask I wear to protect them, ultimately I cannot blame them for being pushed away.
Practical Help
Sometimes, everyday tasks can feel overwhelming when you're struggling with C-PTSD. Having people who can offer practical help, like running errands or cooking meals, can be a huge relief. More often than I care to mention, this is a burden that Colleen has taken on and something that causes me shame. She will never complain, though, and that is just one of the many reasons I love her to the core.
Motivation and Encouragement
Recovery from C-PTSD is a long and challenging journey. Having people who believe in your ability to heal can provide the motivation and encouragement you need to keep going. I still require therapy and it is extremely important because I am told I have a Guardian mentality and I cannot talk to anybody about the things in my head, for fear I will damage them, for a long time I couldn’t even discuss those details with a therapist until they explained all of the safeguards they had in place to look after them as therapists.
In addition to having a strong support system, it's also important to find reasons to live, things that give your life meaning and purpose. For me, those reasons include Colleen and Leffe, my passion for Online Child Safety, Cycling, and painting Warhammer models. I can spend hours focusing on the minute details, but I don’t play, as I would likely destroy all that hard work during one of my ‘moments’ (if you know, you know).
I am fully aware that not everybody is fortunate to have a Colleen and a Leffe in their lives, but there are resources out there to help you and support you ultimately the hardest step for me was admitting I had a problem, it took a road rage incident, not my first unfortunately, Colleen turned to me and said “I Don’t feel safe in the car with you anymore” the very next day I was in the doctors asking for help and my journey to recovery began, I may never reach the destination but as long as I have Colleen and of course Leffe by my side I will keep moving forward.
Don’t wait until something forces you to ask for help, make that brave step earlier than I did, and start your journey too.
Remember, You are not alone.
Healing with those models is important. If you get lost in it, it’s good for you. I have a friend who I guess is still on Facebook who did that. Listen, do what makes you happy. If that makes you happy, do it. I don’t do it enough, make art like that. But I am doing more. And you’re right—community is everything.
I’ve always been good at making genuine friends—unlike I used to in relationships, I don’t attach to my friends, which makes it easier to see things with clarity. I’d been hurt by friends in the past—one stole from me in 9th grade the year I went to a private school, and I became more…aware. (I actually checked myself out of that school after an 11th grader became obsessed with me when he would see me walking home from school, so I just didn’t turn in the check for the next year and ended up at a public high school where I met genuinely good friends who I hope are all the happiest in their lives.)
But as for your family—those sound like good connections. It sounds like your wife loves you unconditionally. That’s so important. I love my person unconditionally as well, and having struggled with C-PTSD (I’m still jumpy with loud noises and I am extremely sensitive to and resistant to deception when I sense it. It scares me until I can sort it out.). But I know how to be still and to wait for answers to come. It’s a journey. When you have trauma, even when you create your own paradise, which is what I’ve been doing, meticulously crafting a world of egalitarian creative play where we embrace our authentic selves and our individual autonomy while harmoniously celebrating one another. It’s a good world. And it’s real now. The old world was not for me. I considered how Eden was described and when I finally figured out how to see the world in metaphor (that Barnes & Noble Sparknotes DE work was what did it), I considered what life could be. I considered the music that told the truth—heaven is a place on earth. Metaphorically, it’s a state of mind. The reason it’s hard to think clearly and create when you’re in “hell” is because it’s so hard to get out of those hurt feelings and negative emotions caused by the limiting beliefs perpetuated by trauma.
I had to just say thank you for the lesson, choose to see the good, and then tell myself (repeatedly) that I am abundant and I love my life and I deserve the life I designed. I just kept writing it and thinking it and living like it was real until it became so. I started a new one today. I want to see a future that is healed and safe for everyone. I’ve seen too much suffering and I want to help, however I can. That’s why I want us to work together doing whatever it is that breathes love and life into us.
And also, I want people to stop feeling the needless shame for what was done to them or past choices. That held me back, too. Shame makes us feel unworthy, and it was never ours. I had no problem letting go of shame and guilt when Deepak Chopra wisely pointed out that they were not necessary. They only keep the vibes low. So when they come up, I get compassionately curious. What am I feeling? What happened when I felt that? And then I just ask…okay, where is this coming from? And then I say—now, what hurt me isn’t about me—and that adds so much more clarity. And I followed the threads back to the beginning to see how it all began and why and I can forgive all of that in them and in me. I mean, they were just doing what felt right at the time. It’s why I try to declutter what’s inside, so I can breathe and can see.
I hope you’re okay. And I appreciate your vulnerable writing. I love seeing your love in this. You have such a good heart and soul. It’s obvious. I’m glad you have the things that you have to hold space for you and to truly love and care about you.
I appreciate that and I will keep doing it for as long as I'm able to 😁